I did it because I have gynecomastia (man-boobs) and I'd let a relation with the only girl I've ever loved with every fiber of my being sour because of my fear getting close to her because of my condition. When she misinterpreted my motives and actions because of this, thinking at first that I was way too under confident and then that I didn't really like her at all when the reality was I was DESPERATELY in love with her---I finally, over break, sent her an email with a picture of myself explaining why I'd acted the way I did.
Well I didn't hear back from her for the rest of winter break and I started having anxiety attacks and letting myself go. Over the next semester, between constantly thinking about her and feeling like a piece of **** generally because I felt like I was spiraling downward, it started to affect my classes and work. I started to fail one class, and began having difficulties with another. I ended up having to withdraw both. At this point I felt like life was completely kicking my *** and that's when I plunged the syringe in.
It wasn't until I nearly died and only saved myself by eating a bunch of sugary junk food (for a diabetic, a case of the "cure" being almost as bad as the disease) that I suddenly--for the first time in my life--came to truly have self-esteem and value myself as an individual.
I was the Assistant Editor of the school paper because I was thoughtful and passionate about the issues and was an excellent writer. I'd met and volunteered for Obama in Iowa for the first caucus. I was one of the top students in the economics program at my small university. I could never see--or maybe just not accept it--but I was incredibly fit as well, after years of having tried to blast away my gyno primarily through exercise and at times through diet as well. I was generally regarded as smart, cool, and funny--and even attractive! (of course, I only remotely felt like it when I was doing a good job of covering up my moobs...)
While I lived that night, my health felt absolutely deteriorated for the next several months. I started to frantically wonder what I'd done--if I'd truly destroyed myself and made a cripple of myself for life.
There was a constant burning aching in my side, by my waist near the right side of my hip (what organ is that?!). I constantly absurdly sluggish and got easily winded--much more so than before. While I had lived from the suicide attempt, I started to wonder if I'd permanently disabled myself for life...enough to occasionally once more prompt suicidal thoughts again--though certainly not with insulin.
Well, the school year's passed and I've found a wonderful college and program I'll be transferring to in the fall. While I think at one point I nearly lost my job as Assistant Editor I was able to hold my **** together long enough to finish the year out with that job with honors and to do well in my remaining two classes.
Most importantly, my health has definitely felt much better. I havn't been under health insurance since I was 18 and was no longer eligible for KidCare, but I went to a community center at the start of the summer and was able to have some bloodwork done for cheap. The bloodwork came back fine, and as far as those tests go I'm healthy. It's reassuring for sure, because those tests concern primarily the kidneys and liver I believe, and as a diabetic those are the regions I was primarily concerned in.
But though less intense, there's still the slight aching on my side ever since that time I tried to commit suicide...the community center couldn't afford to have given me X-Rays. The University I'm at now charges you $200 a year for their health plan yet it can only be used for emergencies...I have to wait until I transfer to even have a shot at an X-Ray and a real medical diagnosis.
---
Some days I still wake up haunted by that girl's memory, and I'm not sure if it's for all the wrong reasons. I can't wait to cut ties from this place and start my new life at a new university. I'm positive that for the past half year I'd flashed intermittently between sanity and near-psychotic dementia as my mind reeled at everything that had taken place.
Anyway, that's my life story. Do you think I'll be ok?|||I honestly do not think the pain and weakness you felt after overdosing on insulin, has to do with it. Insulin should not have those side effects on your body, although out of control sugar levels can. I can’t even imagine how you recovered from 100 units of insulin with out medical attention!! That should have made your blood sugar crash quicker than you could stuff any food in your mouth. In any case, it sounds like you are moving forward in a positive direction. Leaving your school and ex love behind will help heal the emotional damage. While you are continuing at another school I would also advise you take up some healthy activities like a sport or new hobby. Maybe just regular trips to the gym when you can. This can improve your overall health GREATLY and also give you new positive things to focus on other than the past. Set up some new goals and focus on those. Being a diabetic can be tricky and throw out some obstacles, but the more positive and healthy you are the easier they are to overcome.
Previously when you were feeling “less intelligent” and weaker, you could have been just experiencing effects of depression or anxiety which can definitely make you feel the way you did. EVERYONE experiences that to some degree at one point in their life. If there is a serious medical issue going on, make the sacrifice and see a dr, even if it costs a pretty penny. You should have family that could help you out with that. If you don’t feel like it’s a serious issue, then work on lil healthy changes to help in the mean time like surrounding yourself with positive and supportive people, focusing on school and new goals, as well as a healthy diet and some activity. I guarantee you these things will make a huge difference, not only in how you feel about yourself, but also in brining you out of your shell.
Hopefully you will eventually land a job which offers benefits and you can see your Dr on a regular basis, which every diabetic should do. In the meantime there should be government assisted programs for medical care, or through your school. Also depending on how old you are, you can be eligible for benefits from your parents if they receive insurance through their work.
Health is physical as well as mental. You can heal both. Best of luck to you and make the most of this next chapter in your life!!!!|||The most common and well-documented reactions to hypoglycemia include biting the tongue, back pain and hip joint troubles.
Cognitively, there are well-documented studies showing the severe hypoglycemia destroys neurons in the frontal lobe, consistent with your symptoms.
You're a textbook case
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|||Go get some free psych help from your university. I'm sure they have psychologists/psychiatrists on staff to help you, regardless of whther or not you have the money to pay. If they refuse which they won't the city or the county you live in does have somebody to help you (if not Catholic Charities or most religious organizations always can provide you with this service for free).
It could do you wonders at helping you resolve issues that are deeply bothering you.
It is with the utmost sincerity that I say this to you.
Btw I'm not away of any long term affects from 100U of insulin, but I must say that couldn't have felt good (regarding the hypoglycemic event you induced). AND Thank You for eating the necessary quantity of sugar to stay alive. Please don't do this again you ARE needed in this world whether you believe it or not.|||I cannot answer your question regarding the pain in your right side with any accuracy....but methinks it could be the appendix (perhaps it has encapsulated and is a ticking time bomb) or something with your colon. That's the only thing in that general area.... Hmmmm? I did want to address the issue of suicide. You lived for a reason and dear heart the reason is NOT, NOT to do it again. A long time ago, in a land far away, I did the same thing....with a bunch of anti-depressants. It is my humble opinion that no matter how bleak, hopeless, awful, hurtful, or crappy the situation is....suicide will not make it better. (sort of a joke there) But TIME and maturity and life and change and growth and experience will make it better. Looking back at that era of my life.....what a dummy I was! How silly we are when we are young sometimes. And here YOU are with all these gifts!! Don't waste what you've been given....look ahead....you have a very bright future and YES, I think you will be ok!
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