I'm an ESL student. Please help me with Toefl writing practice:)?

Hi I'm Jun. I'm ESL student in South Korea. I've been studying for TOEFL. And this essay is one of those i'm practicing for TOEFL Writing section. Please rate my essay(out of 5.0pts) in the viewpoint of native speakers(or whoever fluent in English:)


and it there's any point i should improve or some strange expression is found, please correct it :))


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Q : Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would


you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.








With inflation or economic development, there has been constant rise in price of goods, from food and clothing to house that we must have as one of the needs. Big cities became crowded with people who came to look for work and opportunity, what鈥檚 making the situation even worse. Despite the phenomena, I prefer to live in a big city rather than a small one because of its better accessibility and quality of education.





First, living in a big city gives you good accessibility. Big city tend to have lots of spots for different purposes; ranging from public offices, workplaces, to entertainments. Also, big city usually has well-organized transportation system. For instance, whenever there鈥檚 a big public event in my country, it is often held in the capital city. So, I, who lives in the city easily attend those events, taking advantage of systematized transportation whether it鈥檚 a bit far or not. In contrast, my cousin who lives in countryside, he can hardly have a chance due to the distance between the venue of events and his house.





Furthermore, big city provides more advanced and higher quality of education. As many people are in a big city, respective a number of schools are established according to the people鈥檚 demands. Supply of specialized schools and private institutions in big city exceeds those of small city. Then, students in big city surely have great chance for better education. Recently, there was a comparative report by government of my country showing the gap of academic achievement between students in big cities and small cities. Though the figures depend upon each city, it was clear that there must have been different level of education in compared regions.





I would like to sum up by saying as one lives in a big city, he or she will be much mobile when transferring place to place and offered incentive education which is so comparable with that of small city. The longer the government leaves off this problem, the more will the gap increases. It is surely good to invest in big cities, however, simultaneously, no matter where the education is for, balancing is needed.|||Hi Jun,





I teach TOEFL preparation in Houston, Texas. You essay is well organized. It has a clear thesis statement which ties in nicely to the topic sentences of the supporting paragraphs.





However, there is a usage problem with the word "accessibility." This word is used to indicate how easy or difficult it is to access a particular place, object, or person from a certain location. For example, complaining about the design of a car, one could say that the controls for the air conditioner are not accessible from the passenger seat.





The accessibility of a city refers to how easy (or difficult) it is to access that city. Are there many highways which lead into the city? Does it have its own airport? Or there heliports available? Ports?





However, your first supporting paragraph refers to accessibility of workplaces and entertainment venues within a city. So, you are contrasting the accessibility of workplaces and entertainment venues in a city to the difficulty of getting to those in a small town. This is different from what you have written in your thesis ('it's better accessibility"). Your thesis statement must be more focused and clearer.





You are making errors with count nouns. You write





"Big city tend to have lots of spots for different ..."





This should be, Big cities. . .





Later on you write





". . .private institutions in big city exceeds those of small city."





This is wrong! Remember that "city" is a count noun, so it is either "a big city" or "big cities".





Your conclusion is confusing. You write





". . .offered incentive education which is so comparable with that of small city."





You are writing that the education in a big city is comparable (the same) as to that of a small city. This is the opposite of what you have written in your second supporting paragraph! Also, at the end of the introduction, you are moving away from the prompt. The investment in education by the government is off topic and does not belong in this paper. Stay focused on whether it is better to live in a big city or a small town.





Another mistake which you make is that you confuse a small town (mentioned in the prompt) with a small city (which you mention in your second supporting paragraph). Small towns are not cities. A small town has 5000 to 15,000 people. A small city has 250,000 people. These are not the same.





Essay Score: 21





To improve your score





* Stay focused on the prompt


* Make sure that you use precise vocabulary


* Pay attention to subject-verb agreement


* Review the rules of articles and count nouns|||Hi Jun, if you want to compare your essay to a high scoring essay get "Sample Essays and Study Guide for TOEFL iBT Independent Writing." by Exam Writing masters. It's an ebook so you can get from Korea instantly and you can read on your computer and has 60 other sample essays that are top scores. It has this topic so you can compare.





http://www.amazon.com/Sample-Essays-Independent-Writing-ebook/dp/B0052DNFIE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8%26amp;qid=1310759078%26amp;sr=8-1